It's been about 6 months of no meetings or aa.. still sober and on my own.

About 6 months ago I went to my last meeting and left with a fuller realization that I had to stay out. I was safer and actually sober on my own.

Rihanna has a song that has the chorus "..we found love in a hopeless place.. ". It's quite true but not in the way that might be most obvious.

I heard plenty of experience; war stories and other self-mythologizing gibberish. I heard about strength; the bashing suggestions about getting with God and the program or performance art to hide fear and be accepted. Hope I heard about from time to time, but oddly enough I saw it dismissed, discounted and corrected; I guess hope is too real for the truly hopeless like most of aa.

It took 6 months but somewhere along the way I found hope and it's awesome. This is the sobriety that aa never talked about, I have it but I recognize it as a living part of my life. None of the 'gotta give it away to keep it..' trope. I don't have to worry about losing since I am not surrounded by fearful, doubt denying, fake, sheeple, emotion vampires. Do I sound upset? I am actually and I am okay with it but anyone who realizes how duped they'd been for about a decade would be too.

Over the time I was in aa, it seems I've had these realizations that I have hope and I would talk about it. Every time it only separated me more and more from aa. I would talk about it and all I would hear would be the 'yets', they 'suggestions', caution, warnings about ego, etc, etc. Then there were those the would stop talking to me or become belligerent. Looking back, I should have gotten away sooner as it's my job to protect myself from sick people. I wouldn't stick around people with the plague, especially if they insist I be as sick and incurable as they are and have no interest my health.

There is a saying in aa 'if you don't want a haircut, don't hang around barbershops..'. From my post-aa experience I have one similar; devastating real diseases that can be cured require a hospital but ultimately they will send you away for the rest of you recovery because they want you to be truly better. aa does not do this, they have neither a cure or disease; aa just does not want to be alone.

As for love, I found it was about wanting the best for everyone without conditions like a disease or reciprocation. It's something most people I know in aa scoffed at. 

The x ton phone

..Actions speak louder than words, non-action speaks a million words.

I had always heard of the 20, 30, million ton phone. Basically it was someone talking about how they stopped or were not reaching out anymore and as a result felt they jeopardized their sobriety.

I have done that, not picked up the phone and called folks. My reasons were simple; I did not want to talk to anyone or I simply had no reason to really talk to anyone. I'd say this and I get branded as isolating or in the vernacular of the current time "alone time shamed". This would get under my skin and I would walk around with some simmering emotions; do I talk about it and face further ridicule or not talk about it and (now) prove them right? After a few years, I stopped giving a fuck and chose to be alone as much as possible.

The other thing is thing this 'heavy phone syndrome' was something I saw mainly among newcomers or folks with time under 3-4 years. I don't think I ever saw it in folks with time longer than that, I just assumed that they took care of that shit and now have a very light phone.

I left aa and lo and behold I discovered a whole new crowd of 'heavy phone' people. They were people with time, lots of time like decades. They would talk to friends in common, text me, send me FB messages, DM me on Twitter or Instagram. I would tell them, here is my number, you can call me anytime.

You know how many phone calls I have gotten since I started replying? NONE! Not one. It really does not bother me and some how it's incredibly okay. I don't even resent it nor does it upset me. It does surprise the fuck out of me. A lot of these folks were talking some game of incredible stature and stability, I thought they would have nary any hesitation picking up the phone to chat with someone. I was wrong, I hope they know they are wrong.. they are in fact carrying a box of tools with some unused. I'd advise them to stop lying just how skilled they are, actions speak a thousand words.

I could also be wrong in the above paragraph, it could simply be that all that time a certain ego develops and one becomes a needy worm that simply 'can't be the one to call', they need the affirmation and validation of people calling them as if to say 'I'm the authority'.

The thing that does bother me is that these folks with time are out there offering guidance, direction and consolation dishonestly. They are teaching vulnerable people a very dangerous excuse; that it's okay to avoid things because we all put ourselves on a pedestal and sometimes we don't pick up your phone. Sounds like a recipe for dying needlessly.

I can only speak to my experience but for the most part, I always picked up my phone and I tried to always answer it. I have picked up the phone and called when; I lost family, I lost jobs, I lost money, I lost sleep, I lost my way, I lost my patience, I lost my faith, I lost someone, I lost me. I also picked up the phone when I got; all the above. I recall many nights getting out of bed and getting in my car then driving across the city to help someone, I never talked about it until now. I wonder how many people with time ever did the same or did they only do it when would gain something as 'aa is a selfish program'.

I hope they stop perpetuating the 'x ton phone' construct, it's clearly a decision someone makes and not a part of recovery or sobriety but once it becomes a part of 'it's because you are an alcoholic/addict..' speak, it does nothing for the newcomer or suffering, it only maintains the mythology of 'with time' since it was usually all them 'time' folks telling people to pick up their phone.

Actions speak louder than words, non-action speaks a million words... 

I have been away.. life happens.

I have not posted in a while but I was dealing with some life issues and I simply did not have time to do a lot of things suddenly.

Normally if life happens and it affects only me, I have very little to no problems with getting things done but when it impacts other people and my family I have to use some of my energy to help them. So that is what happened, I was suddenly spread pretty thin.

I am back and have found other resources to help me not only with staying sober through this and that but also thick and thin.

I am back and now for my next post.

Disease model: Is alcohol addiction a disease?

One of the things that addiction to alcohol is that it's almost treated as a special case.

First the name; "alcoholism". Why  the ism? Is there cocaineism? heroinism? marijuanaism? foodism? sex/love/carnal -ism? The quick answer is no. They are all addictions, I don't debate that one bit.

To me the 'ism' suffix was done by Bill Wilson by design and was/is a way to differentiate or provide some buffer for this addiction since Bill couldn't very well be afflicted by a common addiction. He had to have a disease and then to emphasize it more, he also declared it incurable. I hate this idea and one of the things in aa that I grew to straight up disagree with because it seems to help no one other keep people buying big books and attending meetings and giving their dollar.

Bill's ideas about alcohol addiction as it is cast in aa seems to serve a few functions; first and foremost it lifts the addict from guessing what is wrong with them, they are told 'hey you have a disease' which is well enough by itself. However then telling the addict there is no cure nor try to seek one is crazy and only serves aa. I can't think of a single disease where people simply accept it is not curable nor should we try to cure it. So is there a disease or not? Or, did Bill Wilson have any idea what he was talking about as far as saying this or that was a disease? I am going to guess, Bill knew exactly what he was doing and could see a business model a mile away with his education and exposure to a privileged segment of society.

In case someone was not sold on the disease perspective, there is always the 'spiritual malady' fallback position. It's harder to argue with someone that says 'well the disease model is incorrect because what was known then is not supported by the current body of knowledge about diseases and not to mention Bill was not a doctor and Dr Bob probably did not adhere to qualifying anything he had been told by Bill using medical protocol'. I have seen people that have done this and they were usually met with dismissal and irrational logic of someone launching into aa speak about spiritual malady.

I don't dismiss the idea of spirituality or religion, I actually admire people that are disciplined enough to practice either or. I found very few people in aa that had any discipline.

To sum up, treat it like a disease or a spiritual malady just don't make excuses when it's becoming obvious that neither approach works in aa for very many people.

It's been over 2 months

It's been over 2 months since I been to a  meeting or had contact with anyone in aa.

I have not had any cravings or obsessing. I also been happier and less stressed about things in general.

In aa I had to make a list of things that are not okay or not going right in my life. After a decade of being in aa, I was still adding to that list. I was told a lot of things that things felt like they were not changing, most felt like empty gestures and rote platitudes and I should have called them out as such. I also recall that questioning any aa saying or observation was quickly met with dismissal or outright ridicule, I should have said it anyway.

The proof that aa does not solve all (or really any) problem is that 2 months and some days after I stopped going, I have stopped really being aware of that list from aa and I don't know where to begin with a new list of things going right and I can't recall the last thing to add to my new list as it's simply too big to manage. If it does not get added as 'better' or 'improved', it gets added to another list named 'changed' because in aa, things stopped changing around year 3-4 and I tried to stick it out for the next few years; I was wrong to do this.

If you have read this far and are on the fence about leaving aa, I would advise you to;

1. make a list of things not okay or right with aa being in your life right now.
2. make a list of the things that are good as a result of aa (if any).
3. keep an eye on it for few days or weeks and see if anything changes.
4. skip a few meetings and analyze your lists from 1 and 2.

One thing that aa tries to do is keep reiterating the stance that aa is aligned with God and anything that happens or does not happen is the result of God and by extension aa. This is wrong, aa tries to define the scope of God in direct opposition to their credo of "let go and Let God...".

Hypocrisy or lack of awareness, neither. It's really propaganda. BUT aa is not aligned with anything, right? aa is aligned with protecting and preserving it' monopoly as the de facto "recovery" concept and having members that keep impressing that if even it's recovery does not work or stops working for a lot of people.

Success in aa or not..

One of the biggest myths I saw over the years in aa was that being successful in aa means that you will have good long term sobriety.

When I say success in aa I mean the folks that become part of all the cliques or the dominant cliques in aa then go to become a sort of celebrity that people seek out. So much for principals before personalities, because usually those people are sought and somewhat given a lot of leeway with their misbehavior as an expense.

Misbehavior as in not really maturing or improve themselves as a person, or even trying to grow up. They usually have a lot of aa'isms memorized and wield them like weapons. Misbehavior of this sort is contained to the rooms and once away from the meeting, you can forget  about these people and the next time you see them you can keep walking to the next meeting.

There is also the misbehavior that leaves the rooms as I have seen these "successful" people usually with one newcomer after another usually explained away as fellowship until it goes around the rooms that they fucked a newcomer then later on 'another newcomer'. Like I have said, their 'success' will usually buy them mulligans since they are 'doing the deal' as they go repeating all the aa 'isms ad infinitum. They are still seen as successful though, not sure why anyone would want to be that kind of success but I guess aa needs it's heroes even at the expense of principals lest the myth of aa dies.

Sobriety in the case of these folks is usually all about 'not picking up a drink', it's never about service or even doing the steps. They never seem to be around when there is work to be done, usually the show up long enough to be seen saying a few aa'isms then they are gone.

I have no idea why aa pretends it's about principals when it's the first and last thing tossed out before and after an admission of 'sick people' or 'egos' or 'not putting God first' or some other aa thing that aa uses instead of saying the truth; that aa does not always work because some people are truly in need of bigger help. It's never said because without the myth, what does aa have left?

In hindsight, I would have stayed and probably been a bit more of believer if there was more honesty about the shortcomings of aa and that some things that don't work need to be revisited. Instead aa and everything aa was treated as infallible, the same thing I hear from biblethumpers and religious zealots.. basically dismissal of reason and sane approaches to real problems. 

Lots of free time suddenly and what to do.

I left aa a few weeks back and the first few days were mostly about decompressing. I never noticed how much tension, anxiety and confusion I was carrying around.This burden and it's maintenance take up a lot of time, so much time it's hard to see anything else. In this regard, aa was not a good experience for me.

A lot of the tension, anxiety and confusion was due to the aa maxim of 'let go and let God', it appears in my case the Supreme Power of this Universe wants me to take care of my shit and they are willing to let me take the wheel all the time. Being aa I was told to go against this, however this is how God made me and in the end it was either go with God or continue being in aa. I denied it for years but there really is only one choice, and God can't be wrong.

I left aa and suddenly it became clear, I have lots of free time. Like a lot, and I mean to the end of time if I wanted to take that perspective. I also have another perspective, God gave me a finite amount of time to learn certain things and get other things done; can't argue with this. As a human being, my time in this corporeal shell to interact with Creation is limited.

Interacting with other people is hard not to do in aa, it's huge as a matter of fact. I have to give it to aa that when it comes to providing a social outlet, it is hard to beat. This lack of a social outlet is one of the hardest things to overcome once I left aa. I have found that my new outlets can't be all social or recovery or emotional, I have to enhance my connectivity to life again on a few levels in ways that are healthy and not self destructive.

I made the below adjustments and list them in order of priority. 

1. Personal : I decided to change my diet, not go vegetarian or vegan or paleo, etc but just to watch my caloric intake as well as how much I eat out during the week. This is daily thing and my biggest challenge is forgetting to eat then making it up by eating a meal too large too late.

2. Career or education: I did want to change too many things so going back to school was not an option. I did want to start learning again and my boss directed me to online learning to learn another aspect of my job. I did the course then I discovered other things I wanted to learn and found myself carrying the equivalent of course load that I could work on 3 or 4 nights a week.

3. Social : I found meetups.com, joined a few groups that were pretty active and did not focus on bars or teetotalism. I have to interact with people that I have common interest with no other intention than to be with them and get to know them. I also made it point to reach out to people and continue with those that make an effort reciprocate. I made it a point to do this at least 2 nights a week. 

I notice some big differences:
a. I am tired more than I used to be but not emotionally or mentally exhausted. I am simply tired from being out and having fun.
b. I am thinking less and less about aa or meetings.
c. I am more grateful for a lot of things that used to drive me crazy. *a recurring theme*

d. I am exposed to less drama and toxicity in the company I choose 

I will get back to posting asap

A series of work emergencies has me living at work for the last week and a half. I am basically to exhausted to write by the time I get home.

There is a break on the horizon and I should be able to post something soon, probably in the next couple of days.

Doing well and relief takes some getting used to.

It's been a some weeks since I went to my last meeting or had any contact with anyone in aa. I am pretty happy and there aren't any thoughts about drinking. I am not lonely or afraid. I am actually kind of okay to be alone and fear what little came and went after I got back to being around some non-aa people.

I had to pick up a friend from a bar the other night, they had too much and did the smart thing and called up someone they know instead of Uber or a taxi and getting driven home by a stranger. I also had the reality check that I did not know where the bar was or any bar anymore. I had to stop at 2 other places before I found the right bar. I am okay with this on the other hand.

The biggest thing I've noticed is that I am more relaxed and willing to take action on my own behalf again instead of praying first then waiting or talking to someone about it; Man! I fucking hated doing that and I hate it more now that I realize half the time the other person would say to pray more or get into service. The other half of the time, the other person would find some way to start talking about their issues instead.

I am doing well as I've said. I am getting more rest, I sleep and eat better. I am definitely in a better mood most of the time. Nothing comes up that has me second guessing, I am okay exercising the control I used to in my life before aa directed me to give that up. I am not afraid to make mistakes anymore and I don't mind having a little pride again, I was never a show-boater so a little is all I want. I feel dignified again is another thing, mostly this took a beating when I would realize most of my company has no idea what dignity is but there I was, a part of the company.

All this is taking some getting used to, it takes energy to get out and about. To make new connections and the nurture and foster them. As much as it bugs me, aa always preached about giving up control and power and I listened but I was hoodwinked into giving that to aa and it's people. Free will is a gift from God (or whatever you believe or don't believe in) is my understanding. It seems contradictory to hand control and power to something as inadequate as aa or the people in aa since they have done the same thing. A weird loop there but I hope it makes sense.

Walking on eggshellls

One of the things that drove me crazy, quite literally at times, was that I constantly had to watch what I said or how I said it when around folks in aa.

First and foremost I interact with other groups wherein I tend to mind my language and behavior however in those other groups this is a 2 way street. Good manners and mindful behavior is often reciprocated.

In aa, I hardly seen this be the case. Most people in aa are ready to drop f bombs, be dramatic and act without any regard for public or private decorum. However when someone has a bad day and they might be letting off some steam (and out of character) with some expletives or calling the world on it's shit, they usually get judged (get their inventory taken) with impunity by the people that never demonstrate any other way to behave. I never could understand how these folks felt entitled alone to some misbehavior but could judge others for something they themselves habitually did. This was usually followed by a few rounds of gossip over the next few days.

If the person wasn't judged, somehow someone would turn the shit show about them. Either they would one-up the person upset or find some way to make sure they got attention from another persons' vent or find some way so it seemed like they were the target of venter. Some people are professional victims, I suppose.

Being a person that chose to approach life in a mature way, it was frustrating walking on eggshells and being around people that really could not:

1. comprehend other people have bad days.
2. see that some times it's not about them.
3. listen and be there for others without judging or gossiping.

The worse was realizing that some people have never changed in the entire time I've known them in aa. I have pointed out this behavior at times to these folks I've known some time and was usually met with dismissal, social sabotage or quoting the big book or other aa sayings to justify their behavior. Craziest thing was when they confronted me about my something I said or did out of character, I would point to their arguments but they would be further offended and accuse me of something else.

Feel like you are on a emotional, social, logical, or intellectual hamster wheel when talking to aa folks, it's true. It's happened to me.

Some are sicker than others, well I am sure that's true but some choose to get sicker.

Cliques: Good and Bad.

When I first came to aa, I have to admit for the first few days I was on the outside but then again, I was a bumbling mess that could not put 2 sentences together. I don't blame anyone for not approaching me.

As time went on, I became a part of and started to get to know people along with gaining some social exposure. I have to admit it was nice and I really needed it. I had been alone so long that I did not even feel lonely anymore, it really was just me and drinking at the end.

Now onto cliques. There are lots of cliques in aa, most of them are at the homegroup level and pretty much run like the cliques in highschool. You will find cliques in old timer meetings, in young people meetings, in morning meetings, in night meetings, in old meetings and in new meetings.

Cliques when they serve the function of aa's primary purpose and message are a very good thing, basically when someone shows up that needs help the clique starts up and runs like an engine to help the new or old person when they need help. These types of cliques are harder and harder to come by in aa has been my experience in the last couple of years.

Most cliques I saw were more about socializing and in some cases 'hooking up'. When a clique does not serve the primary purpose and message, the home group usually becomes less than tolerable and then shortly thereafter by a long period of barely functioning with low attendance. Most cliques of this type I've seen were driven by addict ego, someone barely grasping service, unity and recovery but with enough drive to see a way to gain prominence and influence in the small ponds of aa. I would like to say that this change comes and goes but from what I saw the last couple of years, most were staying where in years past I would see a group of old timers get together and 'aright the course' to save their  home group. Sadly I attended too many meetings where I left when it became obvious that the meeting had little to do with recovery fellowship.

I hope I am wrong and this changes, even just a little. In my opinion, aa ought to consider less meetings and see about preserving the meetings they have that support and carry the message of hope and recovery.

Cliques when bad are truly bad on the other hand but will save that post for another time.

Reselling the same .. shit.

My experience in meetings over the last few years can be summed up by the statement; reselling the same shit over and over again expecting better results.

Am I taking a shot at aa? I don't know, I am simply stating an observation and experience that repeated itself over and over for me but bear me out your audience a little longer and come to your own conclusions.

One of the last meetings I went to pretty much consisted of a few people that all shared to varying degrees the struggles they were dealing with. All the things that folks deal with everyday whether an alcoholic or not. These folks really laid bare all their troubles and the folks after had wonderful comments to offer those particularly burdened. Then the last person to share started, and went on and on. This person had like 25 years. The person basically pitched over and over all the aa cliches, idioms, sayings and anecdotes then they repeated everything they said again. Peppered through out this share was subtle 'y'all are struggling because you are not doing aa right..' AND 'I don't struggle because I can tell you why you are struggling. Real aa does not struggle'. At no time did this person ever allude to anything remotely resembling they heard the other shares or even tried to find something they had in common with the other folks at the meeting. This person was just a pitch for aa, no benefit to anyone else. The person and share epitomized something I saw as more and more common in the last few years in aa, basically an attitude of (as I heard it said once) 'I have mine, I'm good.. suffer for yours'.

What I really heard from the 'quarter century now addicted to ego and afraid' was ; I have nothing, nothing human, nothing to help, nothing of my own, I am nothing. I have some things; fear, inferiority, ego, pride, ignorance and dishonesty. Before you realize who I am, I am going to knock you down a few pegs and give you a resentment. When you say anything to contradict or question anything I say, I can discount, discredit, dismiss and ostracize you with the only other thing I have to show for all these years of not drinking, that I memorized a few sayings and was well groomed by people that have taken offering nothing by platitudes to an art form.

I kept seeing the above over and over again the last few years, and it seemed that they were starting earlier and earlier. I saw this behavior by someone who had not even picked up their year chip, it broke my heart and made me grateful I still hurt from that inhumanity.

The first few days

I went to my last meeting last week. I am already feeling better, I am less anxious and the near depression I was feeling is already starting to fade. I also noticed that I was frustrated and I don't know how long I've felt that way, thankfully that is fading too.

I told some trusted friends what I am doing, I don't know why because now I don't care who knows.

At this point I've also decided that from now on even when someone probes my answer will be that I am someone who chooses not to drink. I don't feel the need to disclose why I don't drink anymore, I have done my part and given much more than I have taken. I've probably also put up with too much over the years too since I chose to live a principaled, virtuous and honest life long before I was in aa and in hindsight, my risk was I chose to be around a lot of people that were not.

Out of my own volition I chose to be around people that told me time and again what kind of person they were. They were usually in almost direct conflict with my personhood. I'll have to forgive myself and not do that anymore.

All in all, just a few days in and I am feeling better. I am pretty much relieved every time I turn around. I have found gratitude again in most things that were just about driving me crazy.

More to come..

More to come but for now read the About GA10+Y page.

thx,

Xaa