Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Doing well and relief takes some getting used to.

It's been a some weeks since I went to my last meeting or had any contact with anyone in aa. I am pretty happy and there aren't any thoughts about drinking. I am not lonely or afraid. I am actually kind of okay to be alone and fear what little came and went after I got back to being around some non-aa people.

I had to pick up a friend from a bar the other night, they had too much and did the smart thing and called up someone they know instead of Uber or a taxi and getting driven home by a stranger. I also had the reality check that I did not know where the bar was or any bar anymore. I had to stop at 2 other places before I found the right bar. I am okay with this on the other hand.

The biggest thing I've noticed is that I am more relaxed and willing to take action on my own behalf again instead of praying first then waiting or talking to someone about it; Man! I fucking hated doing that and I hate it more now that I realize half the time the other person would say to pray more or get into service. The other half of the time, the other person would find some way to start talking about their issues instead.

I am doing well as I've said. I am getting more rest, I sleep and eat better. I am definitely in a better mood most of the time. Nothing comes up that has me second guessing, I am okay exercising the control I used to in my life before aa directed me to give that up. I am not afraid to make mistakes anymore and I don't mind having a little pride again, I was never a show-boater so a little is all I want. I feel dignified again is another thing, mostly this took a beating when I would realize most of my company has no idea what dignity is but there I was, a part of the company.

All this is taking some getting used to, it takes energy to get out and about. To make new connections and the nurture and foster them. As much as it bugs me, aa always preached about giving up control and power and I listened but I was hoodwinked into giving that to aa and it's people. Free will is a gift from God (or whatever you believe or don't believe in) is my understanding. It seems contradictory to hand control and power to something as inadequate as aa or the people in aa since they have done the same thing. A weird loop there but I hope it makes sense.

Saturday, February 17, 2018

Walking on eggshellls

One of the things that drove me crazy, quite literally at times, was that I constantly had to watch what I said or how I said it when around folks in aa.

First and foremost I interact with other groups wherein I tend to mind my language and behavior however in those other groups this is a 2 way street. Good manners and mindful behavior is often reciprocated.

In aa, I hardly seen this be the case. Most people in aa are ready to drop f bombs, be dramatic and act without any regard for public or private decorum. However when someone has a bad day and they might be letting off some steam (and out of character) with some expletives or calling the world on it's shit, they usually get judged (get their inventory taken) with impunity by the people that never demonstrate any other way to behave. I never could understand how these folks felt entitled alone to some misbehavior but could judge others for something they themselves habitually did. This was usually followed by a few rounds of gossip over the next few days.

If the person wasn't judged, somehow someone would turn the shit show about them. Either they would one-up the person upset or find some way to make sure they got attention from another persons' vent or find some way so it seemed like they were the target of venter. Some people are professional victims, I suppose.

Being a person that chose to approach life in a mature way, it was frustrating walking on eggshells and being around people that really could not:

1. comprehend other people have bad days.
2. see that some times it's not about them.
3. listen and be there for others without judging or gossiping.

The worse was realizing that some people have never changed in the entire time I've known them in aa. I have pointed out this behavior at times to these folks I've known some time and was usually met with dismissal, social sabotage or quoting the big book or other aa sayings to justify their behavior. Craziest thing was when they confronted me about my something I said or did out of character, I would point to their arguments but they would be further offended and accuse me of something else.

Feel like you are on a emotional, social, logical, or intellectual hamster wheel when talking to aa folks, it's true. It's happened to me.

Some are sicker than others, well I am sure that's true but some choose to get sicker.

Monday, February 12, 2018

Cliques: Good and Bad.

When I first came to aa, I have to admit for the first few days I was on the outside but then again, I was a bumbling mess that could not put 2 sentences together. I don't blame anyone for not approaching me.

As time went on, I became a part of and started to get to know people along with gaining some social exposure. I have to admit it was nice and I really needed it. I had been alone so long that I did not even feel lonely anymore, it really was just me and drinking at the end.

Now onto cliques. There are lots of cliques in aa, most of them are at the homegroup level and pretty much run like the cliques in highschool. You will find cliques in old timer meetings, in young people meetings, in morning meetings, in night meetings, in old meetings and in new meetings.

Cliques when they serve the function of aa's primary purpose and message are a very good thing, basically when someone shows up that needs help the clique starts up and runs like an engine to help the new or old person when they need help. These types of cliques are harder and harder to come by in aa has been my experience in the last couple of years.

Most cliques I saw were more about socializing and in some cases 'hooking up'. When a clique does not serve the primary purpose and message, the home group usually becomes less than tolerable and then shortly thereafter by a long period of barely functioning with low attendance. Most cliques of this type I've seen were driven by addict ego, someone barely grasping service, unity and recovery but with enough drive to see a way to gain prominence and influence in the small ponds of aa. I would like to say that this change comes and goes but from what I saw the last couple of years, most were staying where in years past I would see a group of old timers get together and 'aright the course' to save their  home group. Sadly I attended too many meetings where I left when it became obvious that the meeting had little to do with recovery fellowship.

I hope I am wrong and this changes, even just a little. In my opinion, aa ought to consider less meetings and see about preserving the meetings they have that support and carry the message of hope and recovery.

Cliques when bad are truly bad on the other hand but will save that post for another time.

Thursday, February 8, 2018

Reselling the same .. shit.

My experience in meetings over the last few years can be summed up by the statement; reselling the same shit over and over again expecting better results.

Am I taking a shot at aa? I don't know, I am simply stating an observation and experience that repeated itself over and over for me but bear me out your audience a little longer and come to your own conclusions.

One of the last meetings I went to pretty much consisted of a few people that all shared to varying degrees the struggles they were dealing with. All the things that folks deal with everyday whether an alcoholic or not. These folks really laid bare all their troubles and the folks after had wonderful comments to offer those particularly burdened. Then the last person to share started, and went on and on. This person had like 25 years. The person basically pitched over and over all the aa cliches, idioms, sayings and anecdotes then they repeated everything they said again. Peppered through out this share was subtle 'y'all are struggling because you are not doing aa right..' AND 'I don't struggle because I can tell you why you are struggling. Real aa does not struggle'. At no time did this person ever allude to anything remotely resembling they heard the other shares or even tried to find something they had in common with the other folks at the meeting. This person was just a pitch for aa, no benefit to anyone else. The person and share epitomized something I saw as more and more common in the last few years in aa, basically an attitude of (as I heard it said once) 'I have mine, I'm good.. suffer for yours'.

What I really heard from the 'quarter century now addicted to ego and afraid' was ; I have nothing, nothing human, nothing to help, nothing of my own, I am nothing. I have some things; fear, inferiority, ego, pride, ignorance and dishonesty. Before you realize who I am, I am going to knock you down a few pegs and give you a resentment. When you say anything to contradict or question anything I say, I can discount, discredit, dismiss and ostracize you with the only other thing I have to show for all these years of not drinking, that I memorized a few sayings and was well groomed by people that have taken offering nothing by platitudes to an art form.

I kept seeing the above over and over again the last few years, and it seemed that they were starting earlier and earlier. I saw this behavior by someone who had not even picked up their year chip, it broke my heart and made me grateful I still hurt from that inhumanity.

Tuesday, February 6, 2018

The first few days

I went to my last meeting last week. I am already feeling better, I am less anxious and the near depression I was feeling is already starting to fade. I also noticed that I was frustrated and I don't know how long I've felt that way, thankfully that is fading too.

I told some trusted friends what I am doing, I don't know why because now I don't care who knows.

At this point I've also decided that from now on even when someone probes my answer will be that I am someone who chooses not to drink. I don't feel the need to disclose why I don't drink anymore, I have done my part and given much more than I have taken. I've probably also put up with too much over the years too since I chose to live a principaled, virtuous and honest life long before I was in aa and in hindsight, my risk was I chose to be around a lot of people that were not.

Out of my own volition I chose to be around people that told me time and again what kind of person they were. They were usually in almost direct conflict with my personhood. I'll have to forgive myself and not do that anymore.

All in all, just a few days in and I am feeling better. I am pretty much relieved every time I turn around. I have found gratitude again in most things that were just about driving me crazy.

Monday, February 5, 2018

More to come..

More to come but for now read the About GA10+Y page.

thx,

Xaa