About GA10+Y

I got sober in 2007. I am a law abiding citizen so I did not start drinking until I was of age. I snuck a taste of beer 2 times before that due to peer pressure but I never got intoxicated; literally a few sips and 2 large gulps. I did not like it and did not care much for it, not to mention the anxiety of possibly being caught was to me not worth it.

I was a normal drinker for a long time, then slowly over a period of about 4 years I became an alcoholic without really noticing. I first noticed withdrawals after a long weekend and being asked at work by a friend how much I drank since I was complaining that I felt like I had the flu. My friend mentioned that I had the same complaint a week earlier. This went on for about another 4 months by which time I had gone to drinking a couple of hours before work to keep myself steady until quitting time. This did not last long and I found myself unable to sleep along with clumsiness whenever I stopped drinking for any time longer than a day. This time would shrink over the next few months. I had the option of working from home, which I took advantage of to accommodate my drinking. It did not take long until I had withdrawals by mid-morning and found it hard to sleep without it. Yep, I was a full blown alcoholic.

I had some idea of what an alcoholic was, I grew up around alcoholism. The alcoholics were the folks that were jobless, in and out of jail, losing their jobs, family and homes. I was none of those things and in my mind as long I did not do those or were those things, I was not an alcoholic. I was keeping things together, although to this day I have no idea how.

I came to aa after another bout of drinking that left me really confused and scared that I might die either by drinking or some mishap/accident as a result of being intoxicated. I came to aa since it was the only thing I knew of that helped people with alcohol issues. I stayed and got involved with it. I took all the suggestions and enjoyed going to meetings and being a part of. I liked the message of hope and recovery. I threw myself into it all. I did not look back and found myself healthier. I kept going with aa, helping others and trying to learn more about aa. I met more people and even tried to date again, I found I could not date in aa as it was too distracting. All this worked for about 5-6 years through rough and smooth times.

My exit from aa was not overnight, I struggled with it for years. I stayed because I felt guilty. I stayed because I was afraid to be alone. I stayed because I thought I would get back that spark. I stayed because I was afraid of how I might look. I stayed because I was afraid to lose everything I had gotten. I stayed because of all the stories I heard about those that left. I stayed out of loyalty to friends. I stayed after quelling my doubts and questions about aa.

In the end I left because I felt like a fraud in a program of honesty, I was not in anyway a sincere believer anymore and the 'fake it til you make it' was saturating me with guilt. I left because I noticed I would leave meetings feeling like I wanted to drink. I left because I saw other people became more and more miserable with some folks finding other permanent solutions.

I left because I did not want to die or become a walking zombie parroting by rote whatever everyone else was saying. Sobriety is a gift, to stay seemed an unwise way to maintain that gift. I discovered too many inconsistencies with aa to honestly support it anymore, some inconsistencies were outright lies or platitudes. I left because I wanted more than aa had to offer or ever could.