Wednesday, July 25, 2018

It's been about 6 months of no meetings or aa.. still sober and on my own.

About 6 months ago I went to my last meeting and left with a fuller realization that I had to stay out. I was safer and actually sober on my own.

Rihanna has a song that has the chorus "..we found love in a hopeless place.. ". It's quite true but not in the way that might be most obvious.

I heard plenty of experience; war stories and other self-mythologizing gibberish. I heard about strength; the bashing suggestions about getting with God and the program or performance art to hide fear and be accepted. Hope I heard about from time to time, but oddly enough I saw it dismissed, discounted and corrected; I guess hope is too real for the truly hopeless like most of aa.

It took 6 months but somewhere along the way I found hope and it's awesome. This is the sobriety that aa never talked about, I have it but I recognize it as a living part of my life. None of the 'gotta give it away to keep it..' trope. I don't have to worry about losing since I am not surrounded by fearful, doubt denying, fake, sheeple, emotion vampires. Do I sound upset? I am actually and I am okay with it but anyone who realizes how duped they'd been for about a decade would be too.

Over the time I was in aa, it seems I've had these realizations that I have hope and I would talk about it. Every time it only separated me more and more from aa. I would talk about it and all I would hear would be the 'yets', they 'suggestions', caution, warnings about ego, etc, etc. Then there were those the would stop talking to me or become belligerent. Looking back, I should have gotten away sooner as it's my job to protect myself from sick people. I wouldn't stick around people with the plague, especially if they insist I be as sick and incurable as they are and have no interest my health.

There is a saying in aa 'if you don't want a haircut, don't hang around barbershops..'. From my post-aa experience I have one similar; devastating real diseases that can be cured require a hospital but ultimately they will send you away for the rest of you recovery because they want you to be truly better. aa does not do this, they have neither a cure or disease; aa just does not want to be alone.

As for love, I found it was about wanting the best for everyone without conditions like a disease or reciprocation. It's something most people I know in aa scoffed at. 

Sunday, July 1, 2018

The x ton phone

..Actions speak louder than words, non-action speaks a million words.

I had always heard of the 20, 30, million ton phone. Basically it was someone talking about how they stopped or were not reaching out anymore and as a result felt they jeopardized their sobriety.

I have done that, not picked up the phone and called folks. My reasons were simple; I did not want to talk to anyone or I simply had no reason to really talk to anyone. I'd say this and I get branded as isolating or in the vernacular of the current time "alone time shamed". This would get under my skin and I would walk around with some simmering emotions; do I talk about it and face further ridicule or not talk about it and (now) prove them right? After a few years, I stopped giving a fuck and chose to be alone as much as possible.

The other thing is thing this 'heavy phone syndrome' was something I saw mainly among newcomers or folks with time under 3-4 years. I don't think I ever saw it in folks with time longer than that, I just assumed that they took care of that shit and now have a very light phone.

I left aa and lo and behold I discovered a whole new crowd of 'heavy phone' people. They were people with time, lots of time like decades. They would talk to friends in common, text me, send me FB messages, DM me on Twitter or Instagram. I would tell them, here is my number, you can call me anytime.

You know how many phone calls I have gotten since I started replying? NONE! Not one. It really does not bother me and some how it's incredibly okay. I don't even resent it nor does it upset me. It does surprise the fuck out of me. A lot of these folks were talking some game of incredible stature and stability, I thought they would have nary any hesitation picking up the phone to chat with someone. I was wrong, I hope they know they are wrong.. they are in fact carrying a box of tools with some unused. I'd advise them to stop lying just how skilled they are, actions speak a thousand words.

I could also be wrong in the above paragraph, it could simply be that all that time a certain ego develops and one becomes a needy worm that simply 'can't be the one to call', they need the affirmation and validation of people calling them as if to say 'I'm the authority'.

The thing that does bother me is that these folks with time are out there offering guidance, direction and consolation dishonestly. They are teaching vulnerable people a very dangerous excuse; that it's okay to avoid things because we all put ourselves on a pedestal and sometimes we don't pick up your phone. Sounds like a recipe for dying needlessly.

I can only speak to my experience but for the most part, I always picked up my phone and I tried to always answer it. I have picked up the phone and called when; I lost family, I lost jobs, I lost money, I lost sleep, I lost my way, I lost my patience, I lost my faith, I lost someone, I lost me. I also picked up the phone when I got; all the above. I recall many nights getting out of bed and getting in my car then driving across the city to help someone, I never talked about it until now. I wonder how many people with time ever did the same or did they only do it when would gain something as 'aa is a selfish program'.

I hope they stop perpetuating the 'x ton phone' construct, it's clearly a decision someone makes and not a part of recovery or sobriety but once it becomes a part of 'it's because you are an alcoholic/addict..' speak, it does nothing for the newcomer or suffering, it only maintains the mythology of 'with time' since it was usually all them 'time' folks telling people to pick up their phone.

Actions speak louder than words, non-action speaks a million words... 

I have been away.. life happens.

I have not posted in a while but I was dealing with some life issues and I simply did not have time to do a lot of things suddenly.

Normally if life happens and it affects only me, I have very little to no problems with getting things done but when it impacts other people and my family I have to use some of my energy to help them. So that is what happened, I was suddenly spread pretty thin.

I am back and have found other resources to help me not only with staying sober through this and that but also thick and thin.

I am back and now for my next post.