Sunday, March 25, 2018

Success in aa or not..

One of the biggest myths I saw over the years in aa was that being successful in aa means that you will have good long term sobriety.

When I say success in aa I mean the folks that become part of all the cliques or the dominant cliques in aa then go to become a sort of celebrity that people seek out. So much for principals before personalities, because usually those people are sought and somewhat given a lot of leeway with their misbehavior as an expense.

Misbehavior as in not really maturing or improve themselves as a person, or even trying to grow up. They usually have a lot of aa'isms memorized and wield them like weapons. Misbehavior of this sort is contained to the rooms and once away from the meeting, you can forget  about these people and the next time you see them you can keep walking to the next meeting.

There is also the misbehavior that leaves the rooms as I have seen these "successful" people usually with one newcomer after another usually explained away as fellowship until it goes around the rooms that they fucked a newcomer then later on 'another newcomer'. Like I have said, their 'success' will usually buy them mulligans since they are 'doing the deal' as they go repeating all the aa 'isms ad infinitum. They are still seen as successful though, not sure why anyone would want to be that kind of success but I guess aa needs it's heroes even at the expense of principals lest the myth of aa dies.

Sobriety in the case of these folks is usually all about 'not picking up a drink', it's never about service or even doing the steps. They never seem to be around when there is work to be done, usually the show up long enough to be seen saying a few aa'isms then they are gone.

I have no idea why aa pretends it's about principals when it's the first and last thing tossed out before and after an admission of 'sick people' or 'egos' or 'not putting God first' or some other aa thing that aa uses instead of saying the truth; that aa does not always work because some people are truly in need of bigger help. It's never said because without the myth, what does aa have left?

In hindsight, I would have stayed and probably been a bit more of believer if there was more honesty about the shortcomings of aa and that some things that don't work need to be revisited. Instead aa and everything aa was treated as infallible, the same thing I hear from biblethumpers and religious zealots.. basically dismissal of reason and sane approaches to real problems. 

Wednesday, March 7, 2018

Lots of free time suddenly and what to do.

I left aa a few weeks back and the first few days were mostly about decompressing. I never noticed how much tension, anxiety and confusion I was carrying around.This burden and it's maintenance take up a lot of time, so much time it's hard to see anything else. In this regard, aa was not a good experience for me.

A lot of the tension, anxiety and confusion was due to the aa maxim of 'let go and let God', it appears in my case the Supreme Power of this Universe wants me to take care of my shit and they are willing to let me take the wheel all the time. Being aa I was told to go against this, however this is how God made me and in the end it was either go with God or continue being in aa. I denied it for years but there really is only one choice, and God can't be wrong.

I left aa and suddenly it became clear, I have lots of free time. Like a lot, and I mean to the end of time if I wanted to take that perspective. I also have another perspective, God gave me a finite amount of time to learn certain things and get other things done; can't argue with this. As a human being, my time in this corporeal shell to interact with Creation is limited.

Interacting with other people is hard not to do in aa, it's huge as a matter of fact. I have to give it to aa that when it comes to providing a social outlet, it is hard to beat. This lack of a social outlet is one of the hardest things to overcome once I left aa. I have found that my new outlets can't be all social or recovery or emotional, I have to enhance my connectivity to life again on a few levels in ways that are healthy and not self destructive.

I made the below adjustments and list them in order of priority. 

1. Personal : I decided to change my diet, not go vegetarian or vegan or paleo, etc but just to watch my caloric intake as well as how much I eat out during the week. This is daily thing and my biggest challenge is forgetting to eat then making it up by eating a meal too large too late.

2. Career or education: I did want to change too many things so going back to school was not an option. I did want to start learning again and my boss directed me to online learning to learn another aspect of my job. I did the course then I discovered other things I wanted to learn and found myself carrying the equivalent of course load that I could work on 3 or 4 nights a week.

3. Social : I found meetups.com, joined a few groups that were pretty active and did not focus on bars or teetotalism. I have to interact with people that I have common interest with no other intention than to be with them and get to know them. I also made it point to reach out to people and continue with those that make an effort reciprocate. I made it a point to do this at least 2 nights a week. 

I notice some big differences:
a. I am tired more than I used to be but not emotionally or mentally exhausted. I am simply tired from being out and having fun.
b. I am thinking less and less about aa or meetings.
c. I am more grateful for a lot of things that used to drive me crazy. *a recurring theme*

d. I am exposed to less drama and toxicity in the company I choose 

Sunday, March 4, 2018

I will get back to posting asap

A series of work emergencies has me living at work for the last week and a half. I am basically to exhausted to write by the time I get home.

There is a break on the horizon and I should be able to post something soon, probably in the next couple of days.