Wednesday, March 7, 2018

Lots of free time suddenly and what to do.

I left aa a few weeks back and the first few days were mostly about decompressing. I never noticed how much tension, anxiety and confusion I was carrying around.This burden and it's maintenance take up a lot of time, so much time it's hard to see anything else. In this regard, aa was not a good experience for me.

A lot of the tension, anxiety and confusion was due to the aa maxim of 'let go and let God', it appears in my case the Supreme Power of this Universe wants me to take care of my shit and they are willing to let me take the wheel all the time. Being aa I was told to go against this, however this is how God made me and in the end it was either go with God or continue being in aa. I denied it for years but there really is only one choice, and God can't be wrong.

I left aa and suddenly it became clear, I have lots of free time. Like a lot, and I mean to the end of time if I wanted to take that perspective. I also have another perspective, God gave me a finite amount of time to learn certain things and get other things done; can't argue with this. As a human being, my time in this corporeal shell to interact with Creation is limited.

Interacting with other people is hard not to do in aa, it's huge as a matter of fact. I have to give it to aa that when it comes to providing a social outlet, it is hard to beat. This lack of a social outlet is one of the hardest things to overcome once I left aa. I have found that my new outlets can't be all social or recovery or emotional, I have to enhance my connectivity to life again on a few levels in ways that are healthy and not self destructive.

I made the below adjustments and list them in order of priority. 

1. Personal : I decided to change my diet, not go vegetarian or vegan or paleo, etc but just to watch my caloric intake as well as how much I eat out during the week. This is daily thing and my biggest challenge is forgetting to eat then making it up by eating a meal too large too late.

2. Career or education: I did want to change too many things so going back to school was not an option. I did want to start learning again and my boss directed me to online learning to learn another aspect of my job. I did the course then I discovered other things I wanted to learn and found myself carrying the equivalent of course load that I could work on 3 or 4 nights a week.

3. Social : I found, joined a few groups that were pretty active and did not focus on bars or teetotalism. I have to interact with people that I have common interest with no other intention than to be with them and get to know them. I also made it point to reach out to people and continue with those that make an effort reciprocate. I made it a point to do this at least 2 nights a week. 

I notice some big differences:
a. I am tired more than I used to be but not emotionally or mentally exhausted. I am simply tired from being out and having fun.
b. I am thinking less and less about aa or meetings.
c. I am more grateful for a lot of things that used to drive me crazy. *a recurring theme*

d. I am exposed to less drama and toxicity in the company I choose 

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