Wednesday, July 25, 2018

It's been about 6 months of no meetings or aa.. still sober and on my own.

About 6 months ago I went to my last meeting and left with a fuller realization that I had to stay out. I was safer and actually sober on my own.

Rihanna has a song that has the chorus "..we found love in a hopeless place.. ". It's quite true but not in the way that might be most obvious.

I heard plenty of experience; war stories and other self-mythologizing gibberish. I heard about strength; the bashing suggestions about getting with God and the program or performance art to hide fear and be accepted. Hope I heard about from time to time, but oddly enough I saw it dismissed, discounted and corrected; I guess hope is too real for the truly hopeless like most of aa.

It took 6 months but somewhere along the way I found hope and it's awesome. This is the sobriety that aa never talked about, I have it but I recognize it as a living part of my life. None of the 'gotta give it away to keep it..' trope. I don't have to worry about losing since I am not surrounded by fearful, doubt denying, fake, sheeple, emotion vampires. Do I sound upset? I am actually and I am okay with it but anyone who realizes how duped they'd been for about a decade would be too.

Over the time I was in aa, it seems I've had these realizations that I have hope and I would talk about it. Every time it only separated me more and more from aa. I would talk about it and all I would hear would be the 'yets', they 'suggestions', caution, warnings about ego, etc, etc. Then there were those the would stop talking to me or become belligerent. Looking back, I should have gotten away sooner as it's my job to protect myself from sick people. I wouldn't stick around people with the plague, especially if they insist I be as sick and incurable as they are and have no interest my health.

There is a saying in aa 'if you don't want a haircut, don't hang around barbershops..'. From my post-aa experience I have one similar; devastating real diseases that can be cured require a hospital but ultimately they will send you away for the rest of you recovery because they want you to be truly better. aa does not do this, they have neither a cure or disease; aa just does not want to be alone.

As for love, I found it was about wanting the best for everyone without conditions like a disease or reciprocation. It's something most people I know in aa scoffed at. 

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