Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Doing well and relief takes some getting used to.

It's been a some weeks since I went to my last meeting or had any contact with anyone in aa. I am pretty happy and there aren't any thoughts about drinking. I am not lonely or afraid. I am actually kind of okay to be alone and fear what little came and went after I got back to being around some non-aa people.

I had to pick up a friend from a bar the other night, they had too much and did the smart thing and called up someone they know instead of Uber or a taxi and getting driven home by a stranger. I also had the reality check that I did not know where the bar was or any bar anymore. I had to stop at 2 other places before I found the right bar. I am okay with this on the other hand.

The biggest thing I've noticed is that I am more relaxed and willing to take action on my own behalf again instead of praying first then waiting or talking to someone about it; Man! I fucking hated doing that and I hate it more now that I realize half the time the other person would say to pray more or get into service. The other half of the time, the other person would find some way to start talking about their issues instead.

I am doing well as I've said. I am getting more rest, I sleep and eat better. I am definitely in a better mood most of the time. Nothing comes up that has me second guessing, I am okay exercising the control I used to in my life before aa directed me to give that up. I am not afraid to make mistakes anymore and I don't mind having a little pride again, I was never a show-boater so a little is all I want. I feel dignified again is another thing, mostly this took a beating when I would realize most of my company has no idea what dignity is but there I was, a part of the company.

All this is taking some getting used to, it takes energy to get out and about. To make new connections and the nurture and foster them. As much as it bugs me, aa always preached about giving up control and power and I listened but I was hoodwinked into giving that to aa and it's people. Free will is a gift from God (or whatever you believe or don't believe in) is my understanding. It seems contradictory to hand control and power to something as inadequate as aa or the people in aa since they have done the same thing. A weird loop there but I hope it makes sense.

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